Katharina and I decided to stop complaining. To search for every way in which we complain, and challenge ourselves not to do it anymore. It has been one of the most challenging and rewarding processes we’ve ever attempted. We learned that every lesson you could learn is hidden somewhere in your complaints about the world. We learned that if you want to grow, don’t look for the good things, clear up the bad things. And I don’t mean to go “fix” them, but to fix yourself and your beliefs. I’d like to share what I’ve learned along the way.
Now first, why did we decide to stop complaining in the first place? For me it’s been at least 10 years since I first remember hearing the lesson of “complaining is never helpful” to the day that it finally sank in. A short sample of groups across the spectrum that provided this lesson to me:
The Obstacle Is The Way - Ryan Holiday - An entire book dedicated to showing you that your path forward is in fact through the obstacle. The stoics were a bit of suckers for pain and in the large scheme of things I think they missed the mark by a bit, but they were right on here.
Meditation In Action - Chogyam Trungpa - In this famous book by a teacher who inspired thousands (and also a cautionary tale) he gave an analogy. That analogy is that everyone is always searching in the distance for happiness, because when they look back they just see a pile of sh*t. But they forget that if properly treated, that sh*t becomes fertilizer. That fertilizer helps you grow the garden of a beautiful life.
The Last Lecture - Randy Pausch - In his famous beautiful last message to his children and the world, Randy stated, “If you took one-tenth the energy you put into complaining and applied it to solving the problem, you'd be surprised by how well things can work out... Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have finite time and energy. Any time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve our goals. And it won't make us happier.”
These are only a few of the likely hundred places I’ve heard the message that complaining does not work over the last decade. Occasionally I would make a commitment to stop complaining…. that lasted for anywhere from 10 minutes to a couple days. But eventually I would flow to over bursting with complaints.
That’s because I thought that the way to stop complaining was to simply stop. But that’s like trying to stop a waterfall by standing beneath it with a bucket. You can’t. It doesn’t work. Even building a dam only slows the release, but creates a massive lake of unresolved complaints sitting in your consciousness.
It stayed that way until I finally heard the message from the right source, at the right time. That right place was Sivananda Ashram in Rishikesh, and the right time was after a 25 day Yoga Teacher Training had ripped me open. This is the kind of place that you read about future tech titans, revolutionaries and world changing artists like The Beatles going to seek enlightenment. They don’t ever ask for money. They don’t tell you what to give. They don’t care who you “are.” If you ask to attend they say no. If you ask again, they enquire why. The only people who live there are renunciates in orange robes from the kitchen staff to the nominal president.
… And we got in only through the grace of a dear friend… and we’ll be forever thankful. This private retreat started with the reality of non-duality and worked backwards from there. They spoke clearly about the nature of ourselves as simply an illusion of the grand drama of the universe. They then spoke from experience on the path and pitfalls therein. And their very presence showed you why you would walk that path.
This was the right place to hear a simple message. That simple message came from a simple question. How do you know you’re getting “better” at spirituality. That question is a difficult one to answer for many spiritual teachers. It requires seeing where you “are” and what you will listen to in order to let go. But the Swami of the day had no problem. He explained everything you need to know in 6 words.
You complain less. You worry less.
Now stop and read those six words for yourself a couple of times.
One of those statements is harder for people to accept than the other. Everyone wants to worry less. No one *wants* to complain less. In fact this simple statement has ended up with more defensiveness and anger lashed my way than anything I can remember. And that’s from only the few people I’ve talked with about it.
Over the last two months I’ve figure out exactly why we have a problem with complaining, and what to do about it. But I’ve learned that the words are also true. Never. Ever. Complain. I’m going to assume that sentence triggers you. Because that will help you in seeing what we’ve learned.
Complaining Is Resistance To Surrender
If you haven’t received the message yet, spirituality is surrender. The words you use to describe “who” you surrender to varies. The fact of surrender stays. You surrender to what the world is providing for you on this merry go round (and round and round) we call life. You surrender to what is happening, accepting it as a lesson for you with the ability to respond. You surrender to the good things. But especially, you surrender to the “bad” things. Because surrendering is about understanding the true nature of the universe.
The universe is a complex illusion made up by an original single source. This is the unifying message of every religion I’ve gotten ahold of so far. But in the act of creating the illusion each tiny sliver of that source got a sense of identity, an ego, the illusion of separation. That allows that separate cell to believe that it is experiencing the world as a separate entity. When instead it’s the equivalent of getting so sucked into a movie that you forget yourself until the credits roll.
That forgetting yourself to be in the movie works really well… until a certain point. That point is when you eat from the “tree of knowledge”. At that moment we start to say “now wait a second, this isn’t how the movie is supposed to go.” You want the movie to go only a specific way, the way that your limited identity wants it to go. When it goes the way you want you alternate in between moments of happiness and fear that it will disappear. When it eventually does disappear you react in fear and resistance.
This process of alternating fear and happiness and anxiety is intimately familiar to people. Many people might have forgotten that they can have any experience other than this one. Their day is a never ending struggle in between brief moments of happiness and fear or resistance. They wake up afraid of what will happen, and they can’t sleep due to what has happened. They waste all their time and energy on possible futures and already occurred pasts to live in the present.
We call it depression or anxiety or stress or any other disorder we’ve labeled today. But they all come down to one thing; resistance to the movie that’s being played for us. We forgot we are watching a movie. We became attached and thought we were the actor on the screen. We then spend all of our time alternating in between trying to be the director and being too attached to what the director *will* do to appreciate and deal with what the director is *doing*. This is what keeps us from living our life.
Complaining Is A Refusal Of The Call
This life is an ongoing adventure in every moment. It was built for us, by “us” and is always providing us what we need in lifetime (after lifetime). It’s built to give us adventures, to feel, to experience, to live, to love, to lose, and to learn. It’s got many acts and hundreds of stories for us to tell. But those stories are not really ours to choose, only to live as they come along. We want to believe they are, but at the end of the day it’s all out of our hands. The universe has it’s own plans for us.
So when we are offered a new storyline, complaining is simply refusing the call (to adventure). This is an element of the hero’s journey that is part of every story we know and love. When offered a new adventure that goes beyond our limited sense of the world and our capabilities and desires, we refuse. We can’t see how this new adventure is going to fit into our limited sense of the world, so we say “no thanks”.
The best example in recent memory is the Barbie movie. She lives in a literal dreamland, but problems are creeping in to her perfect life. She goes in search of a quick solution and is told she has to go on a long adventure to the “real world.” She’s offered the choice “Now you can go back to your regular life (High Heel), or you can know the secrets of the universe. (Birkenstocks)” Her reaction without an instant of hesitation is “The first one. The High Heel.”, AKA please drop me back in my regular life, thank you very much. That’s what we do every time we resist and complain about the adventures being offered to us.
But Greta Gerwig proves her brilliance (*cough* Best Director *cough*) with the lines that come next.
Weird Barbie: “No, we’ll do a redo. You’re supposed to want to know.”
Stereotypical Barbie: “I don’t.”
Weird Barbie: “You have to want to know. Ok. We’ll do it again”
Stereotypical Barbie: “I’m not adventure barbie. I’m stereotypical barbie. (sic)
Weird Barbie: “I’m bummed. You’re a bummer. That’s a bummer.”
Stereotypical Barbie: “Ok, I’m ready to forget now.”
Weird Barbie: “No! You’re doing this one. (swinging the Birkenstock). I just gave you a choice so you could feel some sense of control.
Stereotypical Barbie: “So there is no option 1?!?”
Weird Barbie: NO!
As weird as it sounds (pun intended) you had one of the biggest lessons in life delivered by a woman playing a doll that was played with too hard. There is no resisting the universe. If there is a lesson to be learned or an adventure to be had there is only two options. The first is to dive into the river and flow with the current. The second is to try to fight against the river. But either way, you’re headed downstream whether you like it or not.
But one of those experiences is a lot more enjoyable than the other. The more I’ve released the resistance I’ve realized life is full of incredible adventures that you can only enjoy if you’ve released your attachment to keeping things the way they are. But the harder I’ve gripped the rougher the waters have become. The waters won’t stop rising and becoming stronger until you’ve let go and surrendered to where it takes you. It only feels like you’re getting beaten up because you’re holding on too tight.
Note: If you haven’t seen Barbie, screw my random blog and go watch it. It’s a masterpiece. Watch it twice, it gets better. If you just want to rewatch that scene, watch it here.
Complaining Is Keeping You From Being At Peace
If everything above seems like spiritual mumbo-jumbo then I’ll give you one more reason to let go of complaining. If you are complaining about even one thing, you can’t be at peace. The second you start complaining about something, you start resisting it’s presence (or it’s past occurrence in your life). That ruins our chance at peace because “what you resist, persists”.
If you don’t believe me, take a moment now, close your eyes and simply try to focus on enjoying this moment. Please, this blog is waiting. Whatever you think you should be doing is waiting another 30 seconds. Just close your eyes and simply try to enjoy the present….. and don’t think about a single thing you’re complaining about.
If you have a *single* thing you’ve been complaining about that’s been triggered by this post… I bet you couldn’t do it. It came in between you and the ability to be present in this moment. It comes in between you and your ability to be present in *any* moment. Because the second you reach a certain level of relaxation, it presents itself to you as an opportunity to be let go. If you can’t do it, you can’t be at peace.
This is true whether it’s a small thing or a big thing. Whether it’s one thing, a dozen things, or a hundred things. If you are in a state of resistance to what is, you will struggle to find a state of peace. If you can’t find a state of peace, then life isn’t a miraculous adventure full of stories. It’s a dreadful and awful set of challenges that never gives you any rest. Despite the fact that many live that way, it’s a terrible way to live.
And you don’t have to live that way. The answer is simple, if scary if you lack right knowledge and faith. Surrender. Accept the call to adventure. Be at peace with what comes. It’s simple, not easy. Because the more you surrender to life as a willing participant of the director, the easier life becomes and the more adventures you are offered.
So… what now?
This article already became a lot longer than originally planned, so I’ll keep it short here and write another one if you all express interest. Here’s how Katharina and I have systematically been tearing apart our complaints in just three questions.
What do you need right now? - This question is the first one we ask when each other is resisting. We’ve both gotten miles better at realizing that what we need most isn’t to complain. We are afraid and anxious or angry because of something we’re resisting. So what we really need (second question if we focus on the outside again) is usually something simple. I need a hug (Side Note: Ask for a long one. Katharina has slowly gotten comfortable saying I need a one minute or two minute hug. She knows when it’s bad). I need to take a break. I need to meditate. I need advice. I need to scream. I need chocolate. Whatever it is, you’re trying to figure out what’s going to allow you in a state to let it go, not to keep recycling the event.
What are you struggling with? - Next when the person is ready to talk and still focusing on the outside issue, we ask this. This question (or any variation) is our way of popping the bubble of someone who is complaining. Whether it’s a family member doing something we don’t like, a situation happening at work, being screwed over, we all start out complaining. This question helps us redirect each other to what’s the struggle. Not *their* struggle. *Our* struggle.
a. Katharina briefly complained about someone who didn’t get back to someone in time before their vacation. I asked what’s your struggle? She responded that now she has to send the embarrassing “I’m sorry we took so long"“ email. No one really wants to do that. I say “ouch, you’re right.” She says “yea, might as well do it though.” and move on.
b. I’m still waiting on someone two years later to do something that involves a large sum of money. If she asks my struggle if I complain, it’s that I’m feeling like I don’t have control. When she asks that I usually say “well if I try this, she’ll do this” on repeat until she again says “so what’s the struggle”. And my struggle is simply that there is nothing I can do to make the situation go my way. I have to stay within my zone of control and hope for the best.
The big ones often take more time. But they can usually be answered by repeating the question. If it has to do with family, relationships, or money and you’re old enough to buy cigarettes, ask it 5 times. Figure out what you’re *really* struggling with.
What’s the sh*tty little shame or fear bubble? - You don’t stop asking the above question until you get the answer here. If either of us can’t stay on topic above it usually means it’s a shame or fear topic that we are afraid to bring up. So you can go ahead and ask directly. Here’s two examples.
a. I have a fear of loss of control. I came to the conclusion early in life that I wouldn’t be okay unless *I* made sure I was okay. That usually had to do with money. So anytime it feels like I don’t have control over what money I have, spend, or do I start to get really afraid. Especially as I’m embarking on an early retirement that may lead to a new job I can’t even imagine yet. So the complaining tends to come up when prices change, things were unexpected, people assume on prices, can’t control spending of others. So asking this question allows Katharina to force me to voice my fear and talk through it. I then have to decide whether I’m choosing to trust the signs of life and see what happens, or whether I need to be hoarding everything I can think of and getting back on the “sure” path. But either way, after that discussion I can come to a point of peace and move on.
b. Katharina is often triggered by things that make her feel like she might not be good enough. Since that can be a deep seated fear for her, she can often read signals coming her way as the possibility she might fail and that failure will mean she wasn’t good enough. But now we’re tearing out that fear one situation at a time and giving her the opportunity to rewrite it. Plus, the more we talk about it, the easier it becomes to do so. Now it’s usually a single “whats the fear here” and she can say “I’m afraid that I’ll fail that call. Then they’ll realize I’m not good at sales. Then they’ll realize that I’m a failure and I’m not any good and fire me. Then I’ll just be screwed.” Once it’s out in the open, we can talk through the fears and question and challenge the beliefs leading to them. Then we can let them go.
BUT DAVID…. IT’S SCARY.
You are right. It is scary. It requires talking about the elephant in the room. It requires pushing on buttons we know will trigger uncomfortable emotions. It requires talking about the topics “we don’t talk about.” It requires challenging somebody’s deeply held beliefs, including your own. You will deal with anger, frustration, resentment and fear.
But you already are. Those things are present in you day to day life. They’re what’s keeping you from peace and you’re covering it through complaints. I learned how to deal with anger simply by talking through these questions because it often led to a bout of anger on one side or the other. That’s just the pain coming through. I learned more about Katharina and she learned more about me, the true definition of intimacy (in to me see).
We’re not perfect at this. But each and every time we’ve practiced this our life has improved dramatically. This has done everything from allow me to express and receive anger from others to restore relationships amongst our families. It’s allowed us greater peace without having to push out and try to ignore things. It’s given us the confidence to seek out the things we complain about, seeing them as weeds in the garden of our enjoyment of life.
It’s not easy. It takes courage. It takes time. It takes practice.
But it’s worth it. I promise.
Thank you for reading. I’m currently writing from South Africa on the beach after finishing a two week vacation with Katharina’s family. I’m writing to share the ever evolving clarity on the universe and help others find their way home. If you’d like to support, please share, comment, and of course subscribe.