Ask What Your Community Can Do For You...
An essay on what it means to be together
… And in the process build one worth belonging to. After last week’s article about needing trust as an integral part of community, I spent some time asking what it really means to be part of society. This is especially on my mind as I continue my nomad travels in Japan, a country where I’m quintessentially a passing outsider who can barely say hello and thank you in their language. Which isn’t all that different from the world we live in at the moment, so I thought I’d own my challenges in this one.
Where I Am Right Now
Katharina and I stayed in Nara, Japan. It’s the first place we felt stable and like “home”. But it’s been an interesting lesson of exploration versus enjoying. We’ve extended our apartment 3 separate times at the last minute. Each time we spent a while asking friends and researching different places in Japan we felt we “should” visit. Japan is not cheap like Thailand where we can say “Oh we’ll come back.” Every day here feels more of a commitment. So there’s been a lot of waffling of “see it while we can” balanced with the joy of this small city with our favorite little coffee shop and daily walks with the friendly deer.
My Current State of Mind
I have been entertaining so many different ideas that at many points this week I felt like I’d lost track of who I was and what I stand for. I’ve listened to far-right libertarian “sovereign” men. I’ve then spent time with far-left ideologues describing late-stage capitalism as imploding upon itself. I’ve deeply enjoyed indigenous thinkers who describe all of this as the predictable actions of a sick society disconnected from it’s roots. I’ve used ChatGPT to help me brainstorm and process my thoughts while reading articles from people describing how AI will further disconnect us and/or take us into an interesting new future.
That has been part of the point of the exercise of exploring so many different opinions. But it has also been unsettling as I feel like a first year philosophy student who agrees with whoever I’ve read last. I’ve been coming to understand the reason why without systematic constraints we all end up in our own echo chambers. It’s fundamentally difficult to expose your mind regularly to unsettling content that challenges your world view and assumptions.
But that is the goal, especially because it’s difficult. I’d realized that like most people at some point in adulthood I had come to a relatively static world view and perspective of who I am, what’s happening here, and how to act. That worldview gave me a sense of what to do, an illusion of understanding if not control over the events that happen in the world. Along with that though is starting to see the world of infinite possibilities as only having a couple potential outcomes.
Which is exactly what I wanted to break out from - an increasing sense of resignation that society may be fundamentally unhealthy and flawed but that’s the way things will always be. I wanted to broaden my horizon and see what’s going on from new directions and new perspectives. Not just to understand it in a more deeply nuanced way, but to feel confident in taking action to steer society towards a better place. With the added benefit of having a reasoned perspective of what that better place is and how to get there.
That is why this newsletter series has been so important to me. For a variety of reasons I’ve only ever felt comfortable in the “leadership” position before, guiding people to think in new ways that I could “teach.” But in something like this, I recognize both that my thinking is in its infancy and that society is a collection of the ideas and perspectives of thousands of individuals.
So I’ve been leaning into the discomfort of allowing me to share perspectives and ideas in a more open ended way. More of a “what do you think about this” then a “this is what’s happening here”. I’m hoping that leads the world to do the same thing so we can open ourselves up to perspectives that build a better world. I hope you join me.
What’s Changing in My Thinking: Asking For Help
When people think about what builds a strong community, they often say, “Help others. Be supportive, respectful, and reach out.” And sure, those things are important. But from what I can tell, it’s not what makes a community. Because while everyone’s busy offering help, the real magic happens when someone dares to ask for it.
A truly healthy community isn’t built by giving support. It’s built on the willingness to be vulnerable enough to ask for help. Think about it: asking for help means admitting you need something, which can feel uncomfortable. But that vulnerability is exactly what opens the door for deeper connection.
When you ask for help, you signal to others that it’s okay to lean on each other. You show that you trust them enough to expose your weakness, and that, in turn, makes them feel more comfortable reaching out too. This simple act flips the script from “I’m here to help you” to “Let’s help each other,” creating a cycle of mutual support and trust.
The foundation of a thriving community isn’t just about handing out assistance—it’s about being brave enough to say, “I need a hand.” This shift turns one-sided acts of giving into a reciprocity of care, where every ask and offer builds lasting bonds.
This has changed my thinking and hopefully my behavior in the coming weeks. I’ve been trying to create community for most of my life. But I’m usually doing it through offering support. I rarely if ever open up to ask other’s for help. I feel uncomfortable with asking others for help, especially when they’ve got problems of their own to deal with.
But that illustrates the problem above. When we refuse to ask others for help and instead be self-reliant, we poison the well. We inherently start to separate people into those who “help” and those “in need of help”. With the helpers being better than those who are helped. This creates a problem where people feel worse and worse about asking for support.
When that happens, community disappears. When it’s not okay to be vulnerable and in need of support, then you can’t connect with others. When you can’t connect with others, you feel isolated no matter how many people are physically around you. When you feel isolated you are an individual, not a member of a community. That is how we live in loneliness in the most connected generation in the world.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. The way out is simple, if not easy. Ask for help. Ask when it feels uncomfortable. Ask when you feel like you shouldn’t. Ask so that you give others the opportunity to help you, and so that they feel comfortable asking in return. You might be surprised what happens.
My Plans for the Week
This week I’m planning to ask for help, especially when it feels uncomfortable. I’m going to need it because I’m planning to delve even further into thoughts and concepts that rock my foundations. I’m reading Tyson Yunkaporta’s Right Story, Wrong Story which isn’t shy about exposing the underlying unhealthy dynamics of modern society. I’m keeping abreast of people with very conflicting ideas and perspectives across every spectrum, trying to find “truth” in the midst of it. These things have me feeling unsettled and disconnected.
To counter this I’m inviting as many people along for the ride as possible. I’m forgetting the excuse of time zones and Japan and committing to being vulnerable and asking as many friends and connections along for the ride as possible. I’m working on explaining my struggles and asking for support or connection or a sympathetic ear. Even if I have to send a middle of the night voice message that gets responded to hours later, I’m giving others the opportunity to help. I hope you join me.
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