All around the world every moment people ask the question “Are you okay?” We ask it when we sense that they aren’t. We are inviting them to speak about what’s on their mind. But that question in all relationships is a danger like no other. We struggle to be there with other’s pain. We do so for a couple of obvious reasons. When we fail to understand those reasons we create suffering and separation. So let’s speak about two of them today, hoping we can create intimacy and healing instead.
You can’t solve their problem
If it’s your responsibility to solve their problem, you take control of another person’s life. By even having the desire to solve another person’s problem, you are saying to them that you are not able to do so on your own. When we do this as parents, lovers, and friends we make our loved ones small. They become less confident in themselves over time because they’re getting consistent messages that they *can’t* handle it. Instead of clearing the way we have instead made them too weak and scared to walk on their own.
We do this because we feel that we receive love and affection through helping. We think we need to be their Superman or else we are not worthy of their love. We believe that if we can only protect them and have the answers then they will never see the darker parts of us. And we leave both you and your loved one living in fear. You are afraid that you won’t be able to protect them forever. They are afraid that they won’t be able to handle themselves without your protection. This doesn’t help them. And it doesn’t help you.
So let it go. Let others fail. Let them solve their problems. Let them try and try and succeed. Allow them to gain confidence in themselves that they could do it all along. Provide advice and guidance or assistance if requested. But remember that it’s not your problem to solve. Only this will allow them to solve their problems. Only this will allow you to let them.
You can be okay if they’re not okay
If you can’t be okay when others are not, then you won’t be able to be there when they need you most. If we drain ourselves whenever they are struggling, no one is left to lean on when the pain is the greatest. If we hurt when they hurt then you trigger even more guilt in the person already hurting. If we suffer when they suffer, we steal from them the ability to not be okay. And life can be hard and full of lessons, so that’s a horrible thing to steal.
This is not empathy. It’s not being sensitive. We are living in fear. We are stating that “I’m not okay if you’re not okay.” That comes from a deep-down fear that others will not be able to take care of you. That you won’t be safe. This may come from childhood, but we are no longer children. We have to remind ourselves that today we can be okay even if others are not okay.
Life can be enough of a journey for one without choosing to walk others as well. And if we try to walk other’s journeys we’ll never have time for our own. That doesn’t help them. And it doesn’t help you.
So what do we do?
The only way to be there for them is to be *there* for them. We don’t need to solve their problem. We don’t need them to be okay. We don’t need to not be okay when they’re not okay. It doesn’t help to drag ourselves down with them. It doesn’t help to try to clear the way. We need to simply be there, a compassionate witness as they find their way. It’s their journey. We let them walk it.
I’ll leave you with a phrase that sums up these lessons in a repeatable mantra between you and your loved ones:
I used to think it was “I’ll take care of you if you’ll take care of me.” But, I realized it’s instead “I’ll take care of me, for you, if you’ll take care of you, for me.”
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